project FF Dog III: Final Fantasy IV
an insert credit pictures production
directed by tim rogers
starring doug jones, tim rogers, julie schimmoller, and squaresoft's final fantasy iv
(with a special appearance by tuffy the dog)
filmed on 04252003 and 04262003
~two bad dudes
one hot babe
(one good, one evil)
ten final fantasies
no sleep till la charreada
this is project FF Dog~
1. [23:12] "Our sponsors for the evening are Dr. Pepper, Double Stuf Oreos . . ."; Doug receives a phone call; the theme song plays; this is Project FF Dog III: Final Fantasy IV (game time: -00:26)
2. [23:30] Memory card issues; discussion of character-naming; Tuffy is rumored to have been hit by a car; the game begins (game time: 00:00:30)
3. [23:55] Tim Rogers -- proven infallible? FAQ-searching; a Dual Shock you could kill someone with (game time: 00:25)
4. [00:05] The first boss; the Double-Stufs cracked open; the Greatest Game Music Ever; the first time of the evening we scream "Girls gone wild!" (game time: 00:35)
5. [00:15] "I'm choking -- and not just on Kraft String'ums String Cheese -- I'm choking on genius!" (game time: 00:45)
6. [00:56] "Everybody's third-favorite Final Fantasy octopus." Ninja-socks revealed.
7. [01:00] My plan to bass-line-bendy-accentuate the famous "YOU SPOONY BARD!!" line goes awry.
8. [01:38] Doug gets us all killed on the quest to kill the Antlion; differences in difficulty noted; "We gotta find something funny to do."
9. [01:45] "We're here at the Antlion, the first major boss -- and we've got girls going wild over Double-Stuf Oreos"; "I think we like this game too much."
10. [01:54] Edward is rescuing his "dead girlfriend from a fake monster"; more girls gone wild; witness: pigtails.
11. [01:58] "This is me with J-zero-zero-L-Y's glasses on"; "A bag of hot genius".
12. [02:09] "He's only got one punching-claw on -- he needs another one, dude. Get the man a punching-claw."
13. [02:35] A grave mistake concerning Oreos Double-Stuf (note: we didn't Get Kojima at E3; our belated apologies)
14. [02:43] insert credit forum regular Eric makes a vocal appearance via cell-phone after much frustration, thus making me vow to never involve anyone in the project over the phone again; a mention of an elephant who painted with its trunk
15. [03:14] "It's the bombad L33T party!" "Crank it and jank it -- sip it, don't drip it."
16. [04:10] We challenge the first fiend; "Four in the morning and I still got my Pepper."
17. [04:18] FF Dog becomes a Paladin in this timeless tale handed down by the dwarves and the dragons; a note on translation; I hype the game, saying it gets "ridiculously difficult" (note: it doesn't)
18. [04:25] "Doug Jones is falling asleep -- so he's submitting to the DP" -- "He's charging up on DP just like Cecil is charging up on experience points"; "I keep missing the corners"; "Doug has informed me to not mess with Texas."
19. [04:40] The Legend Sword poem appears . . . very slowly. Too slowly; "DUDE YOU FRICKIN' HIT ME IN THE SHIN WITH YOUR KEYBOARD!"
20. [04:44] Tellah's name is revealed as the greatest name anyone ever gave an RPG character; Doug asks a question of our readers that no one can answer without million-dollar video software.
21. [05:10] A brief discussion on RPG naming tactics; a spoil4r; some religious talk (game time: 5:09)
22. [05:33] A magic trick involving ninja-socks, bare hands, and a mostly empty Pepper bottle; the buzz is hitting hard.
23. [06:08] Fiend of the Water; "Charlie-frank this guy!" Some beat-boxing; The First Doctor Dies
24. [06:13] Clapping makes the story more interesting
25. [06:17] The Oreos almost fall onto the floor; "Yeah. Mourn, yo. Mourn." "You know what we should do? We should quote some poetry."
26. [07:09] "Die, Doctor, Die." Leveling up before we fight the Dark Elf; "And I just wanted to tell you kids that Doug's Internet Explorer -- the top bar is just way too huge." "I'm gonna go see if there's a Doctor in the house." Tuffy appears. (game time: 06:23)
27. [07:45] "g00zer in the grass"; the Pepper Buzz at full strength. "It's like a mini-game!"
28. [07:53] Items discussed; we open Doug's yet-unused Xbox Live startup kit; "Panzer Dragoon Orta don't got the internet in it." The plastic box defeats me.
29. [07:57] The beginning of our long pretense that "we're playing Final Fantasy IV on Xbox Live now -- ignore the fact that this isn't plugged in."
30. [08:05] [stricken from the record; you'll need to purchase an FF Dog Perfect Collection DVD (details forthcoming) to see this one]
31. [08:07] The Pepper Buzz still ain't coming down; a play on Cid.
32. [09:28] Talking to Chris Kohler online; "The reason we're bringing you this video is because we just realized 'Phone Book' has the same initials as . . ."
33. [09:58] "OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT? These people are ESCAPE ARTISTS."
34. [10:01] "Dude -- he's all partied out, man." "I wanna die with bared, white teeth, you know? GRRR! Like you're eating a hamburger."
35. [10:03] "Dude, we get high when we run that fast -- that's the perfect drug! We're gonna drop another two hundred Gil!"
36. [10:32] "He's like the Michael Jackson of Final Fantasy bosses."
37. [11:35] Witness: Magus Sisters Live; "She said, we done beat her, she gonna give me her cell phone number."
38. [11:48] Tim Rogers Conveys an Emotion Whilst Speaking in an Accent #4: "He done killed my g00zer."
39. [11:52] Valvalis Live; The game is turned off in favor of NASCAR Heat; End of FF Dog III.
--team FF Dog