project ff dog: ff dog gaiden i: aidyn chronicles: the first mage vs. NEC turbografx-16
(THQ / NEC / N64 / TG-16)
by tim rogers
an insert credit pictures production
directed by tim rogers
starring doug jones, tim rogers, julie schimmoller, THQ's aidyn chronicles: the first mage, and NEC's Ninja Spirit and Devil's Crush (with a special appearance by some guy named ross)
filmed on 05082003 and 05092003
written commentary by tim rogers

 


~two bad dudes
one hot babe
two guitars
(one good, one evil)
ten final fantasies
no sleep till la charreada
this is project FF Dog~

1. [23:15] "That's the Final Fantasy bassline -- don't let that fool you"; Doug apparently has some sort of mongoloid problem playing the guitar; tonight's contest is TurboGrafx-16 versus Aidyn Chronicles; this is Project FF Dog Gaiden: Aidyn Chronicles; this scene goes on way too long, and isn't entirely funny (running time: 05:13)

2. [23:21] Cracking the Dr. Pepper on camera; look how the label loosens; "This will put hair on your chest," testifies Doug; says I, "His mother must have been a living Dr. Pepper fountain;" systems turned on simultaneously (game time: 00:00:30)

3. [23:23] The naming of FF Dog -- with no space in his name. "This game is expansion pak enhanced, by the way (game time: 00:02)

4. [23:27] Game makes no sense so far; "why won't someone actually send a memory stick?" [Note: memory stick received -- a 256MB; thanks]; "she's got boobers!" "Ross has killed about four million things already." "He looks like he's graduating from Polygon High School -- not the cook in a castle." (game time: 00:05)

5. [23:52] "My God, I could really go for some Ninja Spirit right about now." (game time: 00:25)

6. [23:59] Stricken.

7. [23:59] Giant rats scream like humans when killed.

8. [00:00] Also stricken from the record.

9. [00:01] You'll never see this one, either.

10. [00:03] You'll never see this one, either -- don't worry, though; the rest are intact.

11. [00:06] "THQ is making this too easy, dude."

12. [00:19] "OH MY GOD I AM NOT SEEING THIS RIGHT NOW." "It's like somebody grabbed a bunch of pixels and smeared them around."

13. [00:25] "What we're doing -- we're trying to find his face." Some NPC dialogue. "I would point out what's wrong with that" -- "Meanwhile, a kite full of ninjas."

14. [00:30] "Yeah, we've been forwarding through dialog for about two hours now." ". . . . . . . . . . . God, Ninja Spirit is so sweet."

15. [00:56] "This is just ridiculous." "Take a sad song and make it better -- J-double-zero-D." "Oh God, shut up, I hate you -- I wish you were dead."

16. [01:08] "It's one-oh-eight AM." There are little blue dots appearing outside the castle."

17. [01:12] Doug is "seriously in a perpetual loop" in Ninja Spirit. Ross has vanished. "Meanwhile, we've got more mysterious things to attend to."

18. [01:17] "Which is winning?" ". . ." "The Hot Babe has spoken." "Wesa was a team." I am "really not satisfied with the way this FF Dog is turning out. If you want, one could call me enraged. Irate. Seething in anger." "Salty?" "I was getting to that one."

19. [01:44] "Okay, it's now two AM, and these people have fallen asleep." "I've got Devil's Crush set on unlimited balls here. And, uh, that's pretty much it."

20. [01:53] The madness is beginning. Hear it and feel it.

21. [02:04] "THE ROAD IS DIFFERENT HERE." "My god, man, what am I doing? When I was like eight years old, I probably would have played this."

22. [02:29] "I totally died. So I had to start over. So I'm fast-forwarding through dialogue, meanwhile entertaining myself with GameWinners.com." You might want to watch this one.

23. [03:55] The Madness: Part Two. It is near boiling. "Something please kill me!" "TAKE AWAY MY LIFE FROM THIS EARTH!"

24. [03:56] ONE SECOND OF AIDYN CHRONICLES: A status screen.

26. [04:00] The Madness: Part Three: "Please find something! Find something please!"

26. [04:06] "IS THIS THE END OF FF DOG?"

27. [08:27] Doug awakens to find me almost dead. Witness: An edgier, more off-the-cuff FFDog than you're used to, as we introduce -- drama: "I had a dream, man. It was like the worst dream ever, man . . . I dreamt I had, like, cheese blocks for hands. I had hair that could cut an old woman's head off, man."

28. [08:32] "I feel like a freakin' killed somebody, man." "It was just a dream." "Nah, there's no such dream as that, man."

29. [08:27] Post-drama: some acting coaching tips by Tim Rogers. Heed this shit well.

30. [11:25] Witness the very first ever La Charreada Judgment. This is the video review of the game, and the end of FF Dog Gaiden I. In it, we talk about going to E3 in a few hours, which should tell you how long ago we filmed this thing.

[continue to FF Dog Gaiden OMAKE PAGE -- that means "FF Dog Side-Story Bonus Page!]


 

[review: final fantasy i]

[feature: FF Dog I]

[review: final fantasy ii]

[feature: FF Dog II]

[feature: FF Dog III]

[feature: FF Dog Gaiden I]

[feature: FF Dog Gaiden I Omake Page]



before the theme song plays, we pose, with the capo of disaster, and look moody -- it's a different, more dramatic FFDog than you're used to: FF34R!

holy damn, the bastard avoids just about EVERY attack -- and the enemies avoid all theirs, too, which means . . . well, hell.  it means the game sucks.

and . . . he's about to dodge again.  reminds me of little league.  look at those fearsome fangs?

probably the best advice a videogame character gave a player since that one gym leader told ash ketchum to less firmly grasp his pikachu if he hoped to best more grass-type pokemon

the ffdog gaiden avatar series number one: giant bat.  some artist spent a whole sixteen minutes NOT thinking about this one.

the ffdog gaiden avatar series number two: albrecaan.  if only they'd spent more time drawing his face than i'd spent looking up the proper spelling for his name, we might have had a Quest 64 on our hands!

the ffdog gaiden avatar series number three: giant rat.  OH HOLY FUCK THAT'S PRECIOUS.

yeah, dig my artsy photography skills.

oh!  OH!  I . . . died again i DIEd AgAaiN!

OH SHIT I HOPE SO

UNLIMITED BALLS, BITCH -- I GOT YOUR UNLIMITED BAAAAAAALLS RIGHT HERE!